Pushing...

I've not been as diligent about updating this as I would like, but honestly I've been running around too much to stop and compose something. There have been at least half a dozen nascent entries/ideas floating about, but when I finally found the time to sit down and stare at this cursor I couldn't pin anything down.

I've kept up the running, managing my fastest 5.3 mile loop yet (57 minutes and change). I was pacing with a more different homeschool mommy, who is very cool and very active. I'd love to be able to work up to the point where I could run a marathon with her, but we'll see. I think my goal will be to run the PDX Marathon in two years. Two years should allow me to really make running a part of my routine and should allow me to build up a solid base of cardio and strength. The idea of it, in the abstract, is only vaguely daunting. Twenty-six miles doesn't seem so large from here (here being the futon), but I have no real notion of what that means. If some days five miles can feel like an eternity, what about more than five times that? Still, I think it's something I want to accomplish. I want to prove to myself that I can be that strong, that I can complete something that massive. I'm not very good with massive undertakings (see the breakdowns/freakouts surrounding the undergrad thesis and MA dissertation). I suppose I need to prove to myself that I can set out to finish something without fear and pain (one would think library school would qualify, but it'll be another two months before I know if I'm in or not...). I think after running that far I can finally classify myself as an athlete (because fencing at least three times a week, running three times a week, and lifting do not an athlete make). Could I include anymore parenthetical asides in this paragraph (of course I can)?

The sorta-lace-scarf-from-sock-yarn is nearly a foot and I'm almost at the point on AK's sweater where I'll need help (picking up the stitches for the pocket). I'm trying to get a regular knit night going, but the scheduling is proving difficult. There's also the idea of a regular dinner night (bunch of friends get together with food, essentially) and a Geek Night (D&D and food, which should be hilarious since I've never played before and AK will have to DM). I'm in the middle of four books all at once (the memoir of the woman who escaped from FLDS, a biography of Colette, a historical mystery, and another feminist book).

The feminist reading has really been kicking my ass lately in that I'm left constantly questioning my own attitudes, preconceptions, and life in general. This is a good thing in that I will come out a better person for it, or at least a person who is better aware of her own ideals and motivations. However the turmoil of such constant probing is taking its toll. I half decide to have children, to forget the idea all together, to have AK raise them, to not have them, to send them to daycare. I poke and pick at old relationships and current ones and try to tease them apart to find their cores. It's exhausting work and rather self-centered. I can only hope that this will have some sort of far-reaching results in the future, but for now I'm trying not to think ahead that far. AK wonders aloud how it is that I'm managing to worry about worrying things. I tell him that I'm just that good.

Other than that I'm taking the evening easy in order to recover from the hard lesson, plyometrics, and run yesterday.

X-Training

A somewhat successful week work-out wise. Monday AK and I (eventually) made it to the gym. I did squats for the first time in forever and really felt it... until about yesterday, actually. I'm happy that I can seem to do more weight on my upper body (not really pressing more than 20 lbs., but it's more than 10!) even with a bit of break from regular lifting. Seems like things are starting to stick, so to speak. Ran for a full half hour on Tuesday - 15 min. out and back. I think I did at least 3 miles (should properly gauge my usual routes), which was pretty satisfying. I just felt fast.

Yesterday was open bouting. It was a small turn out (most of the competitive kids cleared out early), but I still got a lot of practice in. I'm trying to work on parry-ripostes and, as always, finishing my attack. I was pretty successful on doing parry-riposte off the line (Russian #2 action/countertime), but not so much running backwards. I need to stay on the blade more, bind it more in some cases. I kept pushing one fencer to the end of the strip and then would get caught up in a counter-riposte war. Must Stop Riposting to Four! Still, a good bout.

I was really happy that I made the coach change on multiple occasions and picked up a parry when he thought his riposte was assured. I noticed that while fencing the rest of the class I was pretty calm and my endurance levels were excellent (hurrah for running!). But against the coach I found myself panting and tense. The few running books I've read have advised runners to occasionally "check in " on their bodies: Am I slouching? Is anything hurting? Can I push this or do I need to slow down? For the first time, I really checked in with myself on the strip: How's the brain dealing? Feet? Hand? I tried to relax back into my en garde after every touch, to let go of all the tension that developed during the action. I think it sorta worked. I felt more awake and "eyes open" actions came a little easier. I need to practice this in lessons, especially when I'm screwing up an action and about to lose it.

After practice I started writing in my running log (now training log I suppose) and started to wonder what my priority is in terms of sports. Am I a runner (albeit a newbie) who fences to cross-train or a fencer who runs to cross-train? I'm not really sure of the answer. I have more time for the running - it requires less equipment, I can do it as soon as I get home, and it's easy to drag people along. Right now I'm only bouting one night a week (getting to the competitive practice is doable, but a pain in the ass) and taking about two or three lessons a week. I'm not really competing in either sport. Maybe this is something I'm not suppose to answer right now. But it's still strange to think of myself, the girl who did stats for the high school volleyball team, as an athlete, let alone a multi-sport one.

That's pretty much all that's going on. There's the potential for huge changes at work (workflow/software related), but I can't really talk about that (there's also not much to report other than that we're waiting). I managed to make a meal tonight that featured four distinct food groups. I spent all of Tuesday night reading Full-Frontal Feminism by Jessica Valenti (founder of Feministing.com). The book raised so many thoughts and emotions and rants that I'm determined to read it a second time before I voice an opinion. I find it so difficult sometimes to have a solid, well-supported opinion on an issue or an idea. I tend to rely a lot on instinct and emotion. This is not to say that opinions founded on such a basis are necessarily inferior. Most of the time it's an emotional reaction to someone else's clearly parsed argument. I just find myself so completely unable to articulate my ideas when I feel passionate about something. There's a lot of stumbling over words and cursing involved instead of a well-outlined proposal. I'll sit down with the aforementioned book and a stack of paper and see what comes out. Hopefully more than "It's shitty, but it's not, and we can do better, and does Bush really think he can do that, and why is she writing with this voice, and god why have I never seen the classist side of things....."

But for now I'm going to curl up with American Gods.

Neutrality

I've not been running this week. My ankles felt a bit weak on Sunday and on Monday evening, in the middle of a fencing lesson, my right instep was pretty angry at me. In a bid to prevent anything from breaking/slipping/getting worse, I decided to stop running until I bought a new pair of shoes. I bought my old ones over a year and a half ago. They were on sale and fit.

Tonight I went to the Portland Running Company to be properly fitted for a pair of running shoes. The lovely saleswoman gave me a pair of neutral shoes to wear (something by Nike) and had me run up and down a strip they have in front of the shop. Happily I appear to have a rather neutral foot. No crazy high arches, no pronating or supinating. I tried out four different neutral shoes and wound up with the Asics Gel Stratus in blue. I also splurged and got a proper technical shirt. It's green and has a clever pocket for keys and an ID.

It sounds a bit shallow, but all the books I've read so far on running have talked about purchasing the right equipment not only to prevent injury, but also to better feel the part. The argument is that you'll feel more like the other runners passing you by if you look the part. Having fenced for a team where our equipment was banged up and old (in some cases, produced by long dead equipment companies and better relegated to a rag pile since the knickers would, you know, split in the middle of a lunge), I can say that wearing the right sort of equipment makes you a bit more confident. When you're on the strip in barely passing lame and ill-fitting cotton duck whites and staring at someone in full Uhlman kit, you can feel a bit like a chump.

So much of athletics is mental, is attitude... and I've always sort of had a problem with maintaining or creating a positive attitude. It's New York or the genetics or the water.... regardless, I'm quicker to judge and judge harshly than I am to step back and find a scrap of calming perspective. I'm working on it and I know that I've improved. I know I think of myself as a fencer now and as an athlete. I wonder when I'll start to think of myself as a runner.

Women and Athletics

I'm reading Dagny Scott's Runner's World Complete Book of Women's Running and am rather surprised to find myself enjoying it. I suppose this is in part because of the rather demoralizing reading experience that is Nick Evangelista's The Woman Fencer, which, though it tries, still comes off as a sort of patronizing "I know you want to have kids and work in groups, but you can still fight!" I'm not sure how much of that is the fact that a man is writing the book or that he truly came across a number of women who still have problems seeing themselves as athletes.

Scott addresses this issue thoughtfully and realistically. It seems to all come down to empowerment - we run because it makes us feel good and it makes us feel strong, and we do not need to apologize for it. She also speaks on the difference between those who run for stress relief and strength and those who want to get out there and compete. I think this dichotomy is often missing in books about sports (or at least the ones I've read, which have been very fencing centric). There is a decided difference between the rec or club fencer and the fencer who is gearing up for a national or international medal. There is room for both in the sport (in any sport). It's striking the balance that seems to be the key issue: how do you design a club or a program that can cater to the advanced student and the beginner? Last night at open bouting there were four of us who were of the more beginner/rec persuasion, walking into the tail end of a competitive practice. I keep feeling like I'm on the edge - where do I belong?

This is still all muddled in my mind, so I apologize. I just can't help but feel that there needs to be a book for women fencers that covers all of this (including a diet and exercise and buying the right equipment - everything that Scott discusses her work). Is this something that I'll have to write myself?